If you are hardworking and fortunate enough to be a writer, congratulations!  I have a warning for you.

Do not own a cat!

I’m serious.  They may look cute, and they may purr and tell you what an amazing human you are.  Do not be fooled!  Felines are liars.  They worm their way into your life and suck away all productivity.

Consider the example cat in the picture on the left.  You can tell this cat is trying to smother me in my sleep.  I am unable to reach any of the nearby books nor my computer to write.  Her purring may seem like a message to tell me how happy she is, but really it is a subtle, under-the-skin message that tells my brain to sleeeeep longer.  Can you hear her?

Just relax.  Sleep.  Don’t disturb the precious kitty.  Don’t touch a book or a computer.

I should have known this would happen.

You may argue, “What can a cat gain from forcing writers to stop writing?  Why would an adorable kitty want a writer to be unproductive?”

Ah, but that’s just what the kitty wants you to think!  They want you to rely on logic in order to believe their innocence.  Well, I have the truth.  Cats make writers lazy!

Need examples?

Just today, I stayed in bed an extra 30 minutes after my alarm because I had the perfect, most noble excuse ever.  My cat was sleeping on top of me.  If I had no cat, I would have known better.

Last night, I sat reading nearly an extra hour because she was on my lap.  I’m sure she only tolerated the reading because she knew it wasn’t writing.

Since owning a cat, I have gotten as much writing done in a year as I have in the past 3 years.  I am catching on to her nefarious plot!

I know she doesn’t actually want to sit in my lap because when my boyfriend comes over, she elects to sit in his lap instead.  Clearly, she only tolerates my presence.  The only reason for forcing herself to climb onto my lap is because she wants me to stop getting things done and because she knows right when I have to go to the bathroom.  Then I have to sit and can’t move lest I disturb the precious.

As a responsible cat owner, I am forced to take my cat on walks.  Sometimes, it is even snowing.  Still, I suffer through this chore because she has threatened me with drawn-back ears if I do not take her outside.  Since I don’t want the beautiful thing to be eaten or get lost, I have to take her out on a leash.  Because she is the boss of the apartment, this means she gets to choose where to go.  Because of this, we wander aimlessly and sometimes take hours before we return home.  What a cruel master she is!

Before work, I must play with her with her blue feather stick.  When she shredded it, it was not her fault but mine for buying a deficient toy.  She now has a new one.

Sometimes I forget what I am doing because I see her lying so peacefully and adorably.  I often break into conversations with my friends to say, “Isn’t she the cutest thing?” when we were not talking about cats at all.  Or I stop to pet her when I should be doing something else, and then I forget what I’m doing.  I mean, she is lying on her back right now, tail tucked around her legs, belly soft and furry and inviting.  She is the cutest thing….

What was I talking about?


A Writer Should Never Own a Cat

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